Parenting

Dear 18 Year Old Self: You Don’t Know That Yet

Dear 18 year old self,

You’re going to get pregnant soon, but you don’t know that yet.

He’s going to leave you even though he promises all the security in the world, but you don’t know that yet.

Your baby is going to have a disability, but you don’t know that yet.

You’re going to schedule an abortion for 19 weeks gestation, but you don’t know that yet.

You’ll ‘no show’ that abortion appointment, but you don’t know that yet.

You’ll move far away before your baby is born so you can give him a better life, but you don’t know that yet.

Your baby will be the most amazingly beautiful human you’ve ever seen in your life, but you don’t know that yet.

Your ex will beg you to move back “home”, but you don’t know that yet.

You’ll move back, but you don’t know that yet.

You’ll get pregnant again at five months postpartum, but you don’t know that yet.

Your second child’s birth will be so upsetting and embarrassing that you’ll never tell the story, but you don’t know that yet.

You’ll look into the eyes of your newborn baby girl and get the courage to leave your abusive relationship, but you don’t know that yet.

You’ll move out all of your stuff while he is gone, but you don’t know that yet.

You’ll move far away again, but you don’t know that yet.

You will work on yourself and go to college to be a nurse, but you don’t know that yet.

You’ll move back to that God forsaken town to give the father of your children another chance to BE a father, but you don’t know that yet.

You’ll let him manipulate you into getting back into a serious with him again, but you don’t know that yet.

You’ll promise yourself to leave at the first red flag, but you don’t know that yet.

That red flag will come up in the form of a physical threat, but you don’t know that yet.

You’ll be STRONG and BRAVE enough to IMMEDIATELY leave for good, but you don’t know that yet.

A month later you’ll ask someone to help you move into your new house and he will end up being your knight in shining armor, but you don’t know that yet.

He will wrap his arm around you to pray over the lunch you bought him as a thank you and you will know RIGHT THEN that he is your forever, but you don’t know that yet.

Your ex will get arrested for drug possession, but you don’t know that yet.

You’ll protect your kids from that life at all cost, but you don’t know that yet.

Knight in Shining Armor will step up and be everything that your two children has ever needed in a father even though you never asked, but you don’t know that yet.

Knight in Shining Armor will give you another baby, but you don’t know that yet.

Knight in Shining Armor will move you far away again, but you don’t know that yet.

You’ll give birth to your third baby and it will be so hard, but you don’t know that yet.

Seven months later you’ll plan to start trying for your fourth baby, but you don’t know that yet.

He will get down on one knee and ask you to marry him, but you don’t know that yet.

You’ll say ‘YES, OF COURSE’ with the happiest tears in your eyes, but you don’t know that yet.

Four months after the birth of your fourth child you will find out that Knight in Shining Armor has a two year old daughter in foster care that desperately needs you, but you don’t know that yet.

You will fall deeply in love with that baby girl in the early morning of the second day as she sleeps so soundly on your chest, just as if you grew and birthed her yourself, but you don’t know that yet.

You will have the big family that you always wanted, the man that you always wanted, the faith that you’ve always wanted, the determination and confidence you’ve always wanted, but you don’t know that yet.

And you don’t know it yet, but in 7 years you’ll be typing these words with tears in your eyes and chills running down your arms and legs feeling oh so content and proud of what your life has become. And THEN you will know… you wouldn’t change a damn thing.

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